Stupid Criminals Of 2009

The Top Five Stupid Criminals of 2009:

I’ve been writing about stupid criminals for just over a year but I’ve dealt with the morons for over eight as a retail Loss Prevention manager (call me Rent-A-Cop or Paul Blart Mall Cop if you want – I’ve been called worse).   While trying to prevent theft in the retail setting -  shoplifters and stupid employees are the focus of people like myself.  But as you could imagine, that gets boring at times and leads to other hobbies – like collecting stories, videos, and mugshots of stupid criminals.

Since it’s the end of the year, I’ll do what every lame news organization is doing and do a “Best Of 2009″.  Most do a “Top Ten” of whatever but I’ll make it easier on your eyes and give you my top five.  Since I’m lazy, I didn’t put these in any order (one story better than another) – so you decide your favorite.  Here we go:

#5

The Naked Burglar – Larry Ticey

Texas is a big place – big enough for its fair share of stupid criminals. Take this story from Tyler, Texas for example:

When a man returned to his home this past Sunday afternoon, he noticed that his front door had been kicked in. He quickly called the police and when officers arrived they searched the house and quickly located the moron.

Officers first discovered a pile of clothes on the floor and then a very naked Larry Ticey in the bathroom taking a bath. After a short struggle with the police (like wrestling a greased pig), Ticey was arrested and booked into the Smith County Jail. He was jailed on a criminal trespass charge which is punishable for up to one year in prison.

#4

Calvin Hoover – Called 911 Because His Marijuana Was Stolen

21-year-old Calvin Hoover of Salem, Oregon had a big problem (several of them actually) on his hands.  First of all, someone had broken into his truck and stole his jacket and some of his cash.  Then, he really got mad when he realized that in the pocket of the stolen jacket was where he put his big bag of marijuana.

The night was not going well for Hoover.  He had just left the bar where he dropped a bunch of money on all the hard liquor that his stupid bloodstream could handle – then he found that his weed was gone.   So he did what any totally wasted idiot would do – he called 911 to report the theft of his precious marijuana.

While waiting for the police,  he called 911 again to complain that the cops had not yet arrived.  The dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was attempting to drive his truck and puke at the same time.  He was arrested and charged with drunk driving.

#3
Bank Robbers (Like Maria Garcia) Are Stupid

Sometimes, they just give themselves away.  You’ve probably heard of the dumb bank robber that walked into a bank and handed the teller a demand note on the back of his own bank deposit slip, right?  Well, here’s a similar story about another idiot bank robber:

Maria Garcia entered the Capital One bank in Mission, TX and handed the teller her hold-up note.  The teller handed over a bunch of money and she quickly fled the bank with no problems.  Her great bank robbery plan seemed to be working great but it had one big flaw in it.  The big flaw was this:  She had written her hold-up note on the back of a completed food stamp application (which contained her name and address).

#2

Michigan Criminal Foiled By Onion Rings

In Michigan, a stupid criminal walked into a Burger King at breakfast time and showed the clerk a gun and demanded cash from the register.  He was informed by the clerk that the register couldn’t be opened without a food order – so the idiot thought that some onion rings sounded good.

When he placed his order, the clerk told him that onion rings were not available on the breakfast menu.  Not smart enough to know what to do next, the stupid criminal walked away defeated with his head hung low and thought, “I should have ordered the hash-browns”.

#1

Michael Gainey – The Fake Cop That Wanted Urine

Michael Gainey was arrested in Pensacola Florida last week for impersonating a law enforcement officer.  According to the news release from the sheriff’s office, 30 year old Gainey approached some teenagers in the parking lot of a local convenience store and told them that he was a police officer.  He proceeded to search one of the teens and told another one to take a urine test.

No badge was shown to the teens but they believed that he was a law enforcement officer. Gainey will face charges of battery, burglary of a vehicle, fraud-impersonation of a law enforcement officer, marijuana possessing and possession of narcotic equipment.  He was jailed on $54,000 bond.  (Apparently he was in need of some “clean” pee for an upcoming drug test at his “mall cop” job).

Why am I ripping on mall cops today?  Oh well, Happy New Year!

Related articles on mall cops:

• Mall Cops coming to TV (tvsquad.com)

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