I’ve been writing about stupid criminals for just over a year but I’ve dealt with the morons for over eight as a retail Loss Prevention manager (call me Rent-A-Cop or Paul Blart Mall Cop if you want – I’ve been called worse). While trying to prevent theft in the retail setting - shoplifters and stupid employees are the focus of people like myself. But as you could imagine, that gets boring at times and leads to other hobbies – like collecting stories, videos, and mugshots of stupid criminals.
Since it’s the end of the year, I’ll do what every lame news organization is doing and do a “Best Of 2009″. Most do a “Top Ten” of whatever but I’ll make it easier on your eyes and give you my top five. Since I’m lazy, I didn’t put these in any order (one story better than another) – so you decide your favorite. Here we go:
#5
The Naked Burglar – Larry Ticey
Texas is a big place – big enough for its fair share of stupid criminals. Take this story from Tyler, Texas for example:
When a man returned to his home this past Sunday afternoon, he noticed that his front door had been kicked in. He quickly called the police and when officers arrived they searched the house and quickly located the moron.
Officers first discovered a pile of clothes on the floor and then a very naked Larry Ticey in the bathroom taking a bath. After a short struggle with the police (like wrestling a greased pig), Ticey was arrested and booked into the Smith County Jail. He was jailed on a criminal trespass charge which is punishable for up to one year in prison.
#4
Calvin Hoover – Called 911 Because His Marijuana Was Stolen
21-year-old Calvin Hoover of Salem, Oregon had a big problem (several of them actually) on his hands. First of all, READ MORE . . .
The Gonzales Supermarket in Chicago, Illinois had to ask an unruly customer to leave the store this past Friday. The customer, 18 year old Juan Vargas, was not too happy about getting kicked-out of the store on Christmas day so he decided to do something stupid.
At 5 p.m., Vargas returned to the store with taser gun and used it on the store butcher. I’m guessing that the “Gonzales store radio network” had been playing that old Peter Gabriel song about shocking monkeys and Vargas got the bright idea. Sing along with me:
“Monkey, monkey, monkey
Don’t you know you’re gonna shock the monkey”
Vargas was charged with battery, criminal trespassing and unlawful use of a weapon. Authorities say Vargas also goes by the name Carlos Rios (makes more sense than “John Smith”, doesn’t it?). No reports of injuries have been reported but the supermarket announced an increase in meat sales in the last couple of days because of their new “shockingly low price” promotion.
Gosselin’s attorney Mark Jay Heller has released a statement saying the Gosselin’s apartment in New York City was completely ransacked and that electronics were.
This stupid burglar from Portugal tried to break into a small window. He didn’t get far (like I said, it was a small window) and he got stuck. He was trapped for several hours in the window and lost his pants in the process (I guess he thought that he could squeeze through better in just his underwear).
He was a bad boy and a good boy: Bad for attempting to steal but good because he obeyed his momma’s advice and always left home with clean underwear on. “Jimmy, you never know when you’ll get caught with your pants down while trying to burglarize someone’s home”.
The owner apparently hit the burglar too hard and was jailed for 3 years while the burglar who had 50 other offences was set free. The other two burglars haven’t been found which seems surprising as you would have thought there would be …
In what can only be considered as further proof that Microsoft is to human success what EMP grenades are to killer robots, a notorious criminal who racked up over 200 larcenies has been caught by…
A police dog called Billy has helped police arrest a suspected burglar. Officers were called to Ashbourne Road, Wigston, on Sunday, December 20, after a burglary was reported. A 26-year-old man was arrested in nearby Northfield Avenue a …
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